The Slightly Ecchi Adventures of Rock Lee
by solderini
Summary: Tomorrow night, Sakura wants to make Lee into a man! Knowing this, our hero prepares himself for the trial ahead in his own special way! [[SakuLee, NejiTen]] Probably rated too high, but better than too low, I think.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor am I making any money off of this work of fanfiction.  
  
Warning: Eventual implied sex, het (SakuLee, NejiTen), hinted-at yaoi. Oh, and some talk about condoms (OH HORROR).  
  
This will be updated once a week. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
  
The Slightly Ecchi Adventures of Rock Lee, Prologue   
  
Her hair was the color of the flower for which she was named... her vigor and spirit unmatched in any other... her hands were... well, they were rough from her long days as a proud ninja of the Leaf, but he wouldn't have it any other way. Never in all his seventeen years of life had he been so happy. Six months had passed since they'd started dating, and each day was like a dream that got better and better. Oh, how he'd waited for this moment, the moment when she'd take his hand in hers and say, "Lee, are you paying attention to me?"  
  
"What?" Lee blinked, prodded out of his own thoughts by the slight irritation in Sakura's tone.  
  
"I said, 'Lee, are you paying attention to me?'" Sakura repeated. Lee's eyes widened. How could he have let himself fall into his own fantasies of Sakura when she was right here beside him? When she was gently clasping his hand in her own as they walked through the park? When her eyebrow was lifted just so, giving her face the look it got right before she got mad and yelled...  
  
Oh no.  
  
He smiled nervously. "Ah, Sakura-san, I'm sorry--I was just thinking about you, and, ah--I guess I lost track of reality." He hung his head in shame.  
  
Sakura looked at him incredulously for a moment, then burst into laughter. Lee blinked. She... wasn't angry?  
  
"Lee," she giggled, her voice like an angel's, "you're a really weird guy, you know that?" She tugged at his hand. "Let's go, I have some things to tell you. And pay attention this time!"  
  
"Yes, Sakura-san," Lee said, trailing behind her like a puppy on a leash. They made their way to a park bench, where they sat down, hands entwined. Lee stole a quick peck on the cheek, which turned into more when Sakura caught his lips with her own and pressed them together firmly. Lee came out of the kiss dazed and flushed.  
  
Without a doubt, he was the luckiest man in the world.  
  
"OK, Lee," Sakura said, "what I was asking you while you were off in your own little world was: do you have any missions scheduled for the weekend?"  
  
Lee thought for a moment. "No, not that I know of. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Well, because my parents are going on a business trip over the weekend."  
  
Lee frowned. "You mean you're not going with them?" At Sakura's nod, he raised his fist into the air. "Unforgivable: they've abandoned you! If it were me, I wouldn't leave without you!"  
  
"Thank you, Lee," Sakura said, blushing slightly. "But, you know, I have my own obligations here. I don't mind staying home for the entire weekend. Alone." As she said the last word, she leaned against him and looked him in the eye. Lee cocked his head to the side.  
  
After a minute or two of staring, Sakura sighed. "Lee," she asked, "do you know what I'm saying?"  
  
He thought some more. "Sakura-san," he said, "are you... afraid?" Sakura blinked. "Do you want me to come over this weekend and protect you?" He leapt to his feet, grinning. "Don't worry, Sakura-san! With the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha by your side, you'll have nothing to fear!"  
  
Sakura grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him back onto the bench. Then she kissed him to shut him up. "No, Lee," she said, laughing. "What I'm asking is..." She blushed and looked away.  
  
"Sakura-san?"  
  
"What I'm asking is..."  
  
Lee touched her cheek gently. "Whatever it is, Sakura-san, tell me. I won't laugh at you."  
  
"I know Lee," Sakura said, nuzzling into his hand. "What I'm asking is... doyouwannacomeovertomorrownightsowecanhavesex?"  
  
Lee blinked. "Uh..."  
  
Sakura took a deep breath. "What I meant was, I want to have sex with you, and I was wondering if you'd like to, tomorrow night."  
  
Lee's mouth fell open. He looked away from Sakura, out into the park. The tree his eyes fell on seemed to burst into bloom, a thousand multicolored blossoms swirling in a whirlwind that was nowhere near as wondrous as the thing Sakura had just proposed.  
  
"...Lee?"  
  
He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her deeply. When they parted, Sakura smiled. "Can I take that as a yes?" she asked.  
  
"Definitely," Lee answered.  
  
They gazed at each other for a moment more, then kissed again. "I guess we should get going," Sakura said as they parted. "It's getting late."  
  
Lee nodded. "We'll need all our strength for tomorrow."  
  
Sakura blushed, and how Lee loved that blush! It made her look so delicate, like a flower, yet under that beauty he knew there was a soul of steel. "I wouldn't put it that way, Lee," she said. "But I do have a mission tomorrow morning." She stood, and Lee stood with her. "I'll see you tomorrow night, OK?"  
  
"Should I walk you home?" he asked.  
  
"No," she answered. "Your house's right near here. I won't have you walking all the way across the village. I can take care of myself."  
  
"Well, then, you have to let me take you out to dinner tomorrow," Lee insisted. Sakura kissed him by way of agreement, then leapt into the trees and disappeared. Lee watched her go, then skipped merrily to his house, whistling happily. He let himself in, shouted a greeting to his parents and waltzed up the stairs, barely able to contain his happiness. Seventeen and in love! What better way was there to be?  
  
He flopped down on his bed and smiled at nothing in particular. That smiled slowly changed into a frown, though, as he realized an important fact: he had no idea how to make love to a woman!  
  
Oh, he knew the basics, of course, tab A into slot B, etcetera, but how did one go about it... properly? How could he make it as wonderful an experience for Sakura as he was sure she would make it for him? What if he screwed up, or forgot something important?  
  
He fumbled in his pocket for a coin. As his hand closed around it, he closed his eyes and mumbled, "If this coin toss comes out the way I call it, everything will go perfectly tomorrow. But," he drew the coin out of his pocket and fondled it nervously, "if I call it wrong, Sakura-san won't like me any more." He gulped. "Well, here it goes."  
  
He flipped the coin into the air and watched it fall, trying to predict the outcome. As it reached the height of his arc, he had it.  
  
"Heads!"  
  
It was tails.  
  
Lee glared at it for a moment, then launched himself off his bed and pointed at it. "Ha!" he cried, "I fooled you! I knew it was going to be tails! But I also knew the coin never falls the way I call it, so I said the opposite! Everything will be perfect!"  
  
The coin didn't seem very impressed. Lee laughed at it for a moment more, then at fate which had tried once again to screw him over. Then he calmed down and got ready for bed. He wouldn't worry anymore, not tonight. Hard work and good tips made anything possible, and he knew just the person to go to tomorrow morning.  
  
To Be Continued 


	2. Part 1

Disclaimers and warnings are in the prologue.  
  
= = = The Slightly Ecchi Adventures of Rock Lee, Part 1 = = =  
  
Lee woke up before dawn the next day, full of energy and courage. After a few minutes simply smiling at the ceiling, he leapt out of bed and laid out the suit he'd picked for his date later that day. He debated the merits of trying it on, to make sure it still fit, but decided against it--there was no doubt in his mind that the day would go perfectly. After all, hadn't the coin he'd flipped before bed landed just as he'd thought? So it would go perfectly. He knew it would. That thought in mind, he made himself presentable and went to find the one person who could help him.  
  
He found Gai running his customary 500 laps around the village. Though he'd already completed 348 laps, he wasn't even winded. Truly the foremost ninja in the village. Lee fell into step beside him. "Good morning, Gai- sensei!" he said.  
  
"Lee!" Gai answered, flashing a glinty smile at his favorite student. "What brings you out here so early this morning?"  
  
"I have a question to ask you, Gai-sensei."  
  
"Oh, really? What about?" Gai patted Lee on the shoulder. "Whatever it is, I'll do my very best to help you find the answer."  
  
Lee took a deep breath and screwed up his courage. "Gai-sensei, how do you please a woman?"  
  
He waited for an answer, unable to look at Gai in his nervousness. What would he think of Lee now? Would he condemn him, tell him he should wait for marriage before losing his virginity? Or would he laugh? Did other men have these kinds of worries before their first times, or was he the only one?  
  
It took him a few moments to realize that Gai was no longer running at his side. Instead, his teacher had stopped dead in his tracks and was staring at him. Lee ran back to him and waited, slowly losing confidence as the silence stretched on.  
  
"...Gai-sensei?" he asked.  
  
"Lee," Gai answered. There was another pause, then Gai fixed Lee with a serious stare. "Are you planning on having sex with a woman?"  
  
Lee looked away and nodded. He clasped his hands together behind his back, waiting for his teacher's reaction. When he couldn't stand the silence anymore, he looked back at Gai, and his jaw dropped open at what he saw.  
  
"Gai-sensei?" he asked. "Why are you crying?"  
  
Gai put his hands on Lee's shoulders, tears streaming from his eyes. "Lee," he said. "I never thought this day would come, and yet here it is. When I first met you, you were a boy. A boy with a dream and the drive to see it through, but a boy still. But now..." he paused to wipe his face. "Now, Lee, you are about to become a man."  
  
Tears streamed out of Lee's eyes as he absorbed the meaning of Gai's words. "Gai-sensei!" he cried.  
  
"Lee!"  
  
"Gai-sensei!"  
  
"Lee!"  
  
Lee threw his arms around Gai, and Gai returned the favor. They held each other until they'd stopped crying, and then Gai released him and pointed to the rising sun.  
  
"Now, Lee!" he said. "Go to TenTen! For she, being a woman herself, will be better equipped to answer your question than I!"  
  
"Yes, Gai-sensei!" Lee ran off in the direction of TenTen's house, eyes afire with youthful vigor. He grinned as he reentered the village. He would succeed in his quest! With the tips TenTen would give him, he would succeed!  
  
= = =  
  
"Lee, it's 5:30 in the morning," TenTen grumbled as she answered the door. Lee felt slightly guilty for waking her up--her ankle was still in a cast from their last mission, and she needed rest to let it heal. Also, he wasn't sure of the proper etiquette in these situations. Did one just come right out and say it, or did one lead up to it with preliminary conversation, then go for the--  
  
"What're you waiting for?" TenTen asked, limping back to her kitchen table and sitting down. "Come in."  
  
Lee entered her house and closed the door behind him, then looked around. The kitchen was small but cozy, decorated in warm yellows. There was coffee brewing on the counter. Lee poured out a mug of it and handed it to TenTen as he sat down at the table next to her.  
  
"Thanks, Lee," she said, taking a sip. "Now, why are you here?"  
  
Lee looked her in the eye. "TenTen," he said seriously, "how do you please a woman?"  
  
TenTen spit out her coffee. Lee easily dodged, then grabbed a napkin off the table and wiped the mess off the floor. Maybe he'd chosen the wrong strategy for this conversation.  
  
"Um, well, Lee..." TenTen said slowly. "Flowers are... always good, I guess. And a nice dinner. That'll get her in the mood."  
  
"Ah, TenTen?" Lee interrupted. "I was actually asking about specific techniques."  
  
"Oh." TenTen stared at him blankly for a moment, then looked away and blushed. "I can't really help you with that, Lee. Sorry."  
  
"But TenTen, you're a woman yourself, right? Surely, you must know what Neji does to satisfy you!"  
  
"I can't really explain it Lee," TenTen answered, waving at him to go away. "But I'm sure Gai-sensei can."  
  
"He sent me to you," Lee said mournfully.  
  
"Well, I'm sure he can, uh, find you someone else."  
  
Lee nodded thoughtfully. "You're probably right," he said. "Sorry to wake you up so early." He headed for the door.  
  
"No problem, I should keep to my sleep schedule," she answered. "Sorry I couldn't be more help."  
  
Lee raised a hand in acknowledgment as he walked out the door. The first step in his quest had been a false one; TenTen hadn't been able to give him the technical help he needed. Very well, then. Lightning never strikes twice in the same place. Gai-sensei wouldn't lead him false again.  
  
= = =  
  
His only thought as he looked his rival in the eye was that Gai-sensei had led him false again.  
  
"What do you want?" Neji said sullenly. When Lee didn't answer, he crossed his arms over his chest. "Some of us have things to do."  
  
The wind blew Neji's hair around, and sakura blossoms momentarily interfered with their staring contest. Lee screwed up his courage and squashed his pride.  
  
"Neji," he said, "how do you please a woman?"  
  
Neji blinked. "...what did you just ask me?" he said slowly.  
  
"I said," Lee repeated, "'Neji, How do you please a woman?'"  
  
"Oh." Neji narrowed his eyes. "Can't help you. Go away."  
  
"No."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said, I'm not leaving until you teach me," Lee insisted. "I'm putting aside my manly pride to ask you this, Neji. You should respect that."  
  
"Well, I don't," Neji answered. "You want me to tell you, you'll have to beat me. Whatever you want. I'm feeling generous today."  
  
"OK," Lee said, smiling. "In that case, I've already won."  
  
Neji frowned in confusion. "What are you talking about, Lee? You haven't even picked the contest yet."  
  
"Staring contest," Lee said smoothly. "Earlier. You blinked first."  
  
Neji blinked again as he processed the information. "...damn," he said.  
  
"Now, you were saying about pleasing women?"  
  
Neji sighed and fumbled around in his pocket for something. "Well, I've heard these work really well," he said, tossing something to Lee. Lee studied it carefully. It was a small foil package of some sort, with writing on it.  
  
"'Hyuuga Brand?' Your family makes condoms, Neji?"  
  
Neji blushed. "Yeah. I mean, how do you think we make all our money? Missions don't pay that much."  
  
"I see," Lee said, continuing to study the package. "'Guaranteed to stimulate chakra flow,' that makes sense..." He blinked and did a double take. "Waitaminute, Neji, you've heard these work? You don't know?"  
  
Neji looked away and mumbled something under his breath.  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"I said," Neji growled, still refusing to look at Lee, "'TenTen and I haven't gotten that far yet.'"  
  
"Oh," Lee said. A sudden realization made him smirk. "Oh! That means I win again!"  
  
Neji raised an eyebrow. "Really? What is it this time, worst haircut?"  
  
Lee narrowed his eyes at his longtime rival. "Insult Gai-sensei's haircut again and I will kick your ass."  
  
"Sure you will," Neji answered. "But really, what could you have possibly beaten me in? I'm curious."  
  
Lee puffed himself up with pride. "This very night, I will learn the way of the flower!"  
  
Neji blinked. "Uh, Lee? Could you try that again?"  
  
Lee's smirk grew wider than he'd thought possible. "Tonight is the night I lose my virginity."  
  
Neji stared at him for a moment. Then his lips quirked, as close as Neji ever got to real laughter.  
  
"What?" Lee asked sourly, his face falling. "What's so funny?"  
  
"You're such a dunce, Lee," Neji said. "Do you really think I carry condoms around every day? TenTen and I are going to sleep together tonight, too."  
  
Lee huffed, his good mood completely spoiled. Of course Neji would beat him to this too, or at least tie. Of course. Then he looked at Neji's smug smirk again. His blood boiled. No way would he lose to his rival now!  
  
"Neji!" he cried, "what say we make this a competition?"  
  
"What the hell are you talking about, Lee?"  
  
"Let's meet again tomorrow," Lee smiled, confident once again, "You and I, Sakura and TenTen, and determine which of us was more successful in his quest to satisfy their beloved!"  
  
Neji raised both eyebrows. "You're serious, Lee?" Lee nodded. "Well, then," Neji said, returning the nod, "I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
After a moment's heated glare, the two rivals parted. Neji went back to his training and Lee started down the path to his house, a determined fire in his heart. He would beat Neji in this venture, and please Sakura-san more than any other man ever could! She would be awed and overwhelmed by the force and skill of his love!  
  
It wasn't until he reached his house that he realized Neji had given him no tips, only a condom. Well, it was a start. He sighed and ran off to find Gai-sensei again. This time, he'd get the help he needed for sure.  
  
= = =  
  
In the Hyuuga clan's mansion, Neji swore as he realized he'd given Lee his only condom. Then he shrugged and got another out of the basket on the kitchen table. There were advantages to being born into a family that sold sex aids for a living.  
  
= = =  
  
By the time Lee found him again, Gai had finished his laps and started on his morning sit-ups. Currently, he was at number 208 out of 1000. Lee dropped to the ground beside his teacher and started doing them himself.  
  
"Lee!" Gai said. "How did it go?"  
  
"Not so well, Gai-sensei," Lee replied, falling into Gai's rhythm. "Neji hasn't had sex. He couldn't help me."  
  
"Is that so? From the way he and TenTen are when they're together, I'd've thought they'd already... but no matter. What do you plan to do now, Lee?"  
  
"I was about to ask you the same thing!" Lee cried. "You must know how to satisfy a woman! Please, Gai-sensei, help me! I don't have anywhere else to turn."  
  
Gai stopped his exercise, his eyes dark. He folded his arms over his bended knees and stared off into the distance. "I can't do that, Lee."  
  
"Why not? I don't understand, Gai-sensei." Lee stopped as well, studying his teacher curiously.  
  
"Well, you see..."  
  
Gai explained. He looked at Lee, but Lee refused to meet his eyes. Instead, he stared at the ground, brows knit together.  
  
"...Lee?" Gai asked. The tension grew.  
  
Then Lee looked up and smiled. "Don't worry, Gai-sensei," he said, "I still respect you!"  
  
Gai's eyes teared up. "Lee!" he cried. He moved to pull Lee into an embrace, but hesitated, unsure of whether Lee would feel comfortable hugging... someone like him.  
  
Lee solved the problem for him by hugging him first. "Gai-sensei!"  
  
"Lee!"  
  
"Gai-sensei!"  
  
"I was so worried, Lee!"  
  
"I know, Gai-sensei! But you're still the coolest ninja ever!"  
  
"Lee!"  
  
"Gai-sensei!"  
  
Eventually, they managed to calm each other down. Lee drew away from Gai, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve. Gai did the same.  
  
"Now, Lee," he said, "I hope this is the only time I will ever have to say this."  
  
"What is it, Gai-sensei?" Lee said, watching Gai as if he were about to tell him the ultimate secrets of life. Gai looked at Lee seriously.  
  
"There is one person who can help you, though it pains me to send you to him..."  
  
"Who is it, Gai-sensei?"  
  
"My eternal rival, Kakashi!"  
  
= = =  
  
Lee found Kakashi and his team resetting traps in one of the many training fields surrounding Konoha. He observed them for a moment. Or, rather, he observed Sakura as she gracefully set a land mine in the ground and crouched down to arm it. Truly the most beautiful woman in the world. He contemplated her for a moment longer, then looked around for Kakashi. Not surprisingly, the jounin was sitting on a tree branch, leaning against the trunk and reading a book.  
  
"Hi, Thick-Brows!" Naruto called, having finished with his current trap. Lee waved to him, but melted when Sakura looked up, a jeweler's screwdriver between her teeth.  
  
"Wha izh ich, Dee?" she asked. Sasuke looked up from his own task, raised an eyebrow, and returned to it. Lee was momentarily irritated until he remembered his purpose for being here.  
  
"Hello Sakura-san, Naruto-kun, Sasuke-kun!" he called back. Then he looked up at Kakashi. "Kakashi-sensei!" he called. "Could I speak with you for a moment?"  
  
"Why?" Kakashi said, not moving an inch except to turn the page.  
  
"Gai-sensei sent me here to ask you a question!"  
  
"And what question is that, Lee-kun?"  
  
Lee took a deep breath. "Kakashi-sensei, how do you please a woman?"  
  
At this, Kakashi did look up, visible eye round with surprise. There was a small clang as the screwdriver fell out of Sakura's mouth, which was lax in shock. Sasuke looked like he'd been dealt a mortal blow.  
  
"No way! Thick-Brows is getting laid?" Naruto yelled. "How does that even work?"  
  
Lee grinned glintily. "Well, it's all thanks to the help of the lovely--"  
  
"Lee, shut up," Sakura ordered, face buried in her hands.  
  
"OK, Sakura-san!" Lee answered, then turned back to Kakashi. "Please help me, Kakashi-sensei! I've been searching for technical help all day!"  
  
Kakashi shook his head as Sakura made small choked sounds. "Can't help you right now, Lee-kun," he said. "As you can see, I'm supervising my team right now."  
  
Lee's face fell. "But Kakashi-sensei! If you can't help me, how will I ensure that she's satisfied tonight?"  
  
"Tonight?" Naruto cried. "That is so not fair! I didn't even know he was dating someone!"  
  
"Shut up, idiot," said Sasuke, who had returned to his task, doing everything in his power to avoid listening to the conversation.  
  
"Well," Kakashi said thoughtfully. "I guess I could give you something..."  
  
"What is it, Kakashi-sensei?" Lee asked expectantly.  
  
Kakashi reached into his pouch and threw something at him. Lee caught it before it hit the ground and studied the cover carefully.  
  
"...The 'Chakra Sutra'?"  
  
"Taught me everything I know about women," Kakashi said seriously. Lee opened to one of the middle pages and blushed. Then he looked back up at Kakashi with a wide grin.  
  
"Thank you, Kakashi-sensei!" he said. "With this book, I will have the best night ever!" He turned to Sakura and waved. "Bye, Sakura-san! See you tonight!" Then he bounded off. He had training to do!  
  
= = =  
  
"Bye, Sakura-san! See you tonight!" Kakashi blinked. He looked at Lee's departing back, then at Sakura's red face, then back at Lee. His eyebrow twitched.  
  
Tomorrow, someone was going to get hurt.  
  
= = = To be continued = = = 


	3. Part 2

Disclaimers and warnings are in the prologue. Italics indicate flashback.  
  
= = = The Slightly Ecchi Adventures of Rock Lee, Part 2 = = =  
  
The boy in the mirror was, Lee thought, quite handsome. He had washed his hair and face in the shower after training, and even combed his eyebrows. Though he had only worn the suit once, at his great aunt Chun's third wedding, and had gained quite a bit of muscle since then, it still fit him to perfection. He just hoped Sakura wouldn't mind the fraying at the cuffs.  
  
He straightened his jacket out one last time, then bounded downstairs, thankful his parents were away for the evening. The last thing he wanted to do was explain where he was going and what he was going to do. It might make him late. He grabbed the bouquet of roses he'd bought after training, broke the thirteenth one off of the stem, and stuck it in his lapel. Then he was on his way.  
  
It took all of his effort and concentration not to run to Sakura's house. It wouldn't do to be all sweaty when he met her! Still, he couldn't help skipping for a few steps. The night was lovely, the breeze cool, and a flower he picked along the way had an odd number of petals--"She loves me." His spirits were flying high.  
  
When he saw Neji walking along the path in front of him, it was like a bird hitting a window. He absolutely did not want to see his rival right now. Neji would provoke him into some fight, he just knew it. He closed his eyes and considered what to do. Maybe he could knock him out with a swift blow to the back of the head before...  
  
"Lee," Neji said, "You're not thinking about knocking me unconscious, are you?"  
  
Lee swore under his breath. Of course Neji would notice him; damn that 360 degree vision! He rushed forward to walk alongside his rival. "Of course not," he said.  
  
Neji rolled his eyes. "Sure," he said. "I don't even need to look at you to know you're planning something against me." He sighed. "After all this time, I've come to think of it as my destiny." He glanced over at Lee, blinked, then stared. Lee shifted under his scrutiny. Was the rose in his lapel wilted? Had his hair somehow become mussed?  
  
"...Lee, you're not really going to wear that in public, are you?" Neji asked.  
  
"What's wrong with it?" Lee replied, rapidly growing irritated with his rival. "It fits, it's in good shape--"  
  
"It's green."  
  
"I know it's green," Lee persisted, "but what's wrong with it?"  
  
"Lee. It's green. It's bright green. You don't wear a green tuxedo out on a date, especially not if you're gonna screw the girl afterwards."  
  
"Don't call it that!" Lee cried. He didn't want to fight in his nice suit, but oh, Neji was asking for it! "And Sakura-san is not 'the girl I'm going to screw.' She is a flower, an angel, the light of my life--"  
  
"And she lives back there, doesn't she?" Neji interrupted with a smirk. Lee looked around, and sure enough he'd passed by Sakura's house without even noticing. Damn that Neji, making him miss the turn!  
  
"Don't forget, Neji," he said as he turned around. "Tomorrow. Same place we met today. And," he turned to give Neji a confident grin, "I won't lose. Today, I received special training, training you can't match!"  
  
"I won't forget," Neji called back. "And we'll see which fares better: your 'special training,'" he snorted derisively, "or my natural talent."  
  
Lee waved at Neji dismissively and retraced the path back to Sakura's house. When he got to the door, though, he paused. What if Sakura had changed her mind? Or what if... Neji's words came back to him. What if she took one look at him, decided she didn't want to be seen in public with him, and dumped him right then and there? All his hard work today, for nothing!  
  
But no! Sakura was kind as a nun--he scratched that thought. Gentle as a lamb, she would never abandon him over something so trivial as clothing.  
  
But what if they got through the date and made love and Sakura didn't like it and dumped him then?  
  
Well, then, he'd work harder! Surely Sakura wouldn't expect him to get it perfect on the first try!  
  
But what if she did?  
  
Lee's inner debate drowned out the the outside world, and when he finally turned around to knock on the door, he found it already open. Sakura stood in the doorway, illuminated by the light from inside her house. Upon seeing her, Lee simply stopped thinking.  
  
He'd always thought her a rare beauty, even when she was younger and less... developed, but tonight she was truly magnificent. She was wearing a sleeveless red dress which hugged her curves tightly; the neck dipped low, but not immodestly so. Her hair, though in its usual style, gleamed with newly-washed splendor. Her eyes sparkled. Her lips were turned up in a gentle smile, accented with just the slightest hint of lip gloss.  
  
Lee found he'd lost his voice.  
  
"Lee?" Sakura asked after a few minutes. Lee wordlessly thrust the bouquet at her. She took them gently. "Oh Lee..." she said softly, "they're lovely."  
  
Lee swallowed. He knew he should say something romantic like, "Not nearly as lovely as you, Sakura-san," but the words wouldn't come out.  
  
"Come in," she said, disappearing into the house. Lee hesitated. What if she wanted to... to do it right then? Then he took a deep breath and held it, forcibly calming his fears. Sakura wouldn't launch a surprise attack, not on him, and she wouldn't go to all the trouble of getting dressed up if they weren't going to go out. He let his breath out in a determined whoosh and followed her.  
  
He didn't see her right away, but after some searching he found her in her family's dining room, carefully placing the flowers into a vase. She looked up as she heard him approach. Their eyes locked. Lee started to sweat. Now? Was now the time to employ the techniques he'd learned just that afternoon from the Chakra Sutra? Sakura's lips quirked nervously. Lee fiddled with his tie.  
  
"I..." Sakura said, looking back at the flowers. "I learned some flower arranging from Ino. I'm still not as good as her, but..."  
  
Lee let out a breath. "If you keep working at it," he said, "I'm sure you can do anything, Sakura-san. But I didn't know you and Ino had become friends again."  
  
Sakura smiled gently. "Yeah. I guess after Sasuke decided he was gay, there wasn't really anything for us to compete over anymore, so we went back to being friends." Her grin widened and she stuck out her tongue. "Doesn't mean I can't outclass her in every way possible, though!"  
  
She finished with the flowers and turned to face Lee. "Shall we go?" she said. Lee offered her his arm. She took it, and together they went to face the unknown.  
  
= = =  
  
The restaurant Lee had made reservations at was a classy, expensive place. Not too expensive, he hoped. He'd taken out quite a bit from his bank account that afternoon, but then there were the flowers and the new dress shirt, and the groceries his parents insisted they'd pay him back for later... Sakura's menu didn't had prices on it. That was a bad sign.  
  
"Lee? Are you all right?" Sakura asked. Lee smiled at her. No sense in worrying over the bill; their food was already ordered and eaten, and if he couldn't pay for it he'd wash a hundred dishes! No, a thousand! Any number of dishes, for his failure as a customer and as a date! Sakura giggled, knocking Lee out of his thoughts.  
  
"Sakura-san?" he asked. "What are you laughing about?"  
  
"You have that look in your eye again," she answered.  
  
"Look?"  
  
"Yes, like you've just given yourself a self-imposed challenge." Lee blushed slightly. Sakura knew him so well.  
  
A silence fell over the table. Lee couldn't tell in the flickering candlelight, but Sakura might have been blushing too. Lee's own blush intensified. He knew what she was thinking about. He mentally reviewed all the techniques he'd learned that afternoon--well, the ones he could do, at least, since a number of them required the skillful manipulation of chakra--he wondered whether he could perform them satisfactorily without having practiced them first--maybe he should have asked TenTen to practice with him? No, that would've been a bad idea. He was with Sakura, after all, and she was with Neji, and he wondered whether he'd remembered the condom Neji had given him--he had.  
  
And suddenly, Lee ran out of things to worry about.  
  
Unwilling to send his mind back down the track it had just been through, and not knowing how to break the awkward silence, he forced himself to concentrate on the other conversations going on in their little corner of the restaurant.  
  
"So then I slammed my kunai into his chest, and blood gushed everywhere--" Lee shifted his focus. He didn't mind shop talk, but it was unpleasant to hear during a meal.  
  
"And he totally digs her, right? But she won't give him the time of day--" He shifted his focus again. Too superficial, too boring.  
  
"Listen. I'm... I'm seeing someone else." He closed his eyes and shifted focus once again. Too personal; it was wrong to listen to such things.  
  
"Excuse me, sir?" Lee opened his eyes. Their waiter was hovering at Sakura's side, pen and pad at the ready. "I was wondering if I could perhaps interest yourself and your lovely friend in some desert?" Lee met Sakura's eyes. At her nod, he in turn nodded at the waiter, who handed Sakura a menu. "Now," he said, "what would you like, Ma'am?"  
  
Sakura took the menu and considered it carefully. "Hmm... Lee, how does Cherries Jubilee sound?"  
  
"Whatever you want, Sakura-san," Lee replied.  
  
"OK, then," she said, shutting the menu decisively. "Cherries Jubilee for two, please."  
  
"Of course, Ma'am," the waiter said. "You are aware that this is one of our special flambé dishes?"  
  
"I'm aware of that," Sakura said.  
  
"Very well, then," the waiter said. "May I bring the bill to you now, so that you can enjoy your desert without worry?"  
  
"Yes, please," Lee said. The waiter bowed once, then disappeared. As soon as he was gone, Lee leaned across the table. "Sakura-san," he whispered, "what is flambé?"  
  
"It's where they set the desert on fire," Sakura said.  
  
"Wouldn't it be hard to eat, then?"  
  
Sakura laughed. "Lee, you're such a dork!" She smiled and patted his cheek. "They do it to carmelize the sauce. Now get back over there before you set your tie on fire, too."  
  
Still confused, Lee leaned back. The silence returned, not as awkwardly this time.  
  
"Sakura-san--"  
  
"Lee--"  
  
They paused.  
  
"You first," Lee said.  
  
"All right." Sakura took a breath. Lee nervously gripped his pants leg. "If you--"  
  
"Here's the bill," the waiter said, appearing out of nowhere. "Oh, I'm sorry. Was I interrupting anything?"  
  
"Yes, but don't worry about it," Sakura said. The waiter nodded, then left. Sakura reached for the bill, but Lee snatched it out of her hand.  
  
"Lee, I just got paid!" Sakura said. "I should pay."  
  
"No, Sakura-san," Lee insisted. "You promised you'd let me pay. A real ninja doesn't go back on her word." He fished his wallet out of his pocket, opened it, and gulped. He only had enough for about half the bill. But he had to pay! How else could he fulfill his promise to Sakura?  
  
"You don't have enough, do you?" Sakura asked. Lee sheepishly shook his head. "Well, here's an idea: you pay what you can, I'll cover the rest, and you can pay me back later. Sound fair?"  
  
Lee smiled brightly. He was so lucky to have a girlfriend with brains to match her beauty! He emptied his wallet onto the small tray that held the bill and returned it to his pocket.  
  
"Now, Lee, what were you saying before we were interrupted?" Sakura asked, placing her purse on the table and rummaging through it.  
  
"I was just thinking..." he started, then paused. "If you don't want to, um, do this tonight, we don't have to. I mean, it's not like I'm nervous or anything," he paused for a laugh that wasn't as hearty as he'd meant it to be, "but if you are... well, you know. We don't--"  
  
"Lee," Sakura interrupted, reaching for the bill. As she did so, she knocked over her purse, spilling its contents all over the table. "Oh!"  
  
"Here, let me help you, Sakura-san." Lee quickly gathered up all the items that had fallen on his side of the table and handed them to Sakura, then leaned down to get the one that had fallen to the floor. Once he had it in his grasp, though, he paused. It was a foil packet with the words "strawberry-flavored" on it. Lee stared at it, puzzled.  
  
"Sakura-san," he asked, "what brand of gum is this? I've never seen it in this kind of package before."  
  
"That's not gum, Lee," Sakura answered, hiding her face in her hands.  
  
"It's not?" Lee looked closer. "Then what--oh. Oh." Lee blushed as he realized that the thing in his hands was not gum, but a condom. Dimly, he noted that it was also Hyuuga-brand. "But Sakura-san, why would you want a strawberry-flavored, um, condom?"  
  
"You'll find out later," Sakura said, taking the condom from him and depositing it back into her purse. She took a deep breath. "As I was saying, I'm nervous too, Lee."  
  
Lee blinked. "I'm not nervous, Sakura-san."  
  
Sakura laughed softly. "Come on, Lee. You can't lie to me. I know you too well."  
  
"Well, I guess I am. But just a little."  
  
"Just a little," Sakura agreed. "But I've been thinking about this for a while, Lee. You don't need to worry about me. I want this. I have for quite a while."  
  
Lee blinked. "How long?"  
  
"A few months."  
  
Lee froze. A few months? He'd only been thinking about it for a day! With only one day to train, how could he possibly live up to Sakura's expectations? She'd dump him for sure!  
  
"Lee?"  
  
Lee gulped. "S-Sakura-san, I think I'm more than a little nervous."  
  
Sakura smiled at him and held out her hand. After a moment's hesitation, he took it. "It'll be all right, Lee," she said. "Don't worry about getting it right the first time. I've heard it takes some practice, so calm down, OK? We'll figure it out together."  
  
Lee breathed deeply, then again, and smiled. "Sakura-san," he said, "I am the luckiest man in the world."  
  
Sakura giggled. "You're cute, Lee."  
  
They held hands in silence for a moment. Lee felt more peaceful than he had all day. Everything was going to be all right. No matter what happened later, he and Sakura would get through it together.  
  
"Is now a good time?" The moment broke when the waiter spoke, but Lee didn't mind. He was settled, calm; anything was fine, anything at all. He and Sakura let go of each others' hands.  
  
"Yes," Sakura said, "now is a very good time."  
  
The waiter smiled. "Well, then, I am pleased to present--" he whipped the cover off from the tray he was carrying to reveal two bowls of ice cream, a bottle and a saucepan, "--Cherries Jubilee!"  
  
He set the tray down on the table and placed the bowls in front of Sakura and Lee. Then he took the bottle of cognac and poured some into the saucepan. He lit a match and carefully set the alcohol on fire, then sloshed it around a bit.  
  
As he watched the flames dance, Lee felt the fire in his own heart burn brighter. Tonight was a night of pleasure! Tonight was a night of destiny!  
  
Tonight, he would become a man!  
  
He met Sakura's gaze, feeling his very skin burn with excitement. Sakura's eyes widened. Lee smiled. She could feel it too!  
  
"Oh my God, Lee!" she cried. "Your eyebrows!"  
  
The moment was ruined when Sakura threw her water in his face to put out his eyebrows, which had been set on fire, not by his own passion, but by several stray drops of flaming cognac.  
  
= = =  
  
"My brows!" Lee mourned as they reached Sakura's front door, fingering the charred remnants of his most noticeable features. "Now all I have are memories!"  
  
"You're lucky, though, Lee," Sakura said, fiddling with the lock. "It could have been your entire face."  
  
"That's true," Lee mused. "Thank you for saving me, Sakura-san."  
  
"No problem," Sakura said as she finally got the old door open. "If I didn't, who would I sleep with tonight?"  
  
The reminder of why they were here sent Lee's heartbeat into overdrive. He closed the door behind them, then turned around to find Sakura staring motionless at the hallway that led to the bedrooms. He came up behind her and put a hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Sakura-san..." he started, but before he could say anything more Sakura turned and kissed him fiercely. He kissed her back with equal fervor, and together they stumbled down the hall. Sakura wound her arms about his neck and pulled him against her. He leaned her against the door and fumbled with the handle, hand shaking. She moved her lips to his neck, drawing out a strangled "Sakura-san!" just as the door opened and they tumbled into the room.  
  
"Oof!" Sakura said as they landed, him on top of her. Lee barely managed to catch himself so that he wouldn't squish her. They looked at each other for a second, panting, then kissed again. Sakura giggled suddenly.  
  
"What is it, Sakura-san?" Lee said, breaking the kiss. Sakura gestured to their surroundings.  
  
"This--This is my parents' room, Lee," she chortled, pushing Lee off of her and getting to her feet. Lee got up too. Sakura kissed him on the cheek, then took his hand and led him to the correct door. Once they were in her room, she flicked on the lights and let go of his hand. She blushed slightly as she sat down on her bed. Lee leaned against the door, suddenly nervous again. They were going to do it. They were really going to do it.  
  
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, remembering the words of wisdom Gai had spoken to him after their afternoon training.  
  
_"Lee," he said, placing his hands on Lee's shoulders, "today you have worked harder than I have seen any other man work to please a woman. Don't be afraid tonight, Lee. Don't run away from the moment of truth. Because..."  
  
"Why, Gai-sensei?" Lee said, gazing in adoration at his favorite teacher.  
  
"You are already a great boyfriend!"  
  
Lee's eyes teared up. "Gai-sensei!"  
  
"Lee!"  
  
"Gai-sensei!"_  
  
"Lee!" Lee shook his head as he realized that it was no longer Gai talking to him, but Sakura. He opened his eyes to find her lying on the bed, propped up by her elbows. His mouth went dry.  
  
"What is it, Sakura-san?"  
  
Sakura gulped nervously and looked away. "Are you... are you having second thoughts again?"  
  
Lee closed his eyes and thought for a moment, breathing deeply. Then he grinned. "Not at all, Sakura-san!" He shrugged his jacket off and hung it over the back of Sakura's desk chair, then backed up and took a flying leap onto the bed.  
  
= = =  
  
In a bar not too far away, Gai and Kakashi shared a pitcher of beer.  
  
"You do realize," Kakashi said after a long pause, "that if he's doing who I think he's doing, I'm going to kill him tomorrow."  
  
Gai contemplated his glass for a moment before refilling it. "I can't let you, Kakashi. You know that."  
  
"You'd do the same if it were TenTen."  
  
"I already have." Gai stared off into the distance, remembering the little "talk" he'd had with Neji a few weeks ago.  
  
"...oh."  
  
"They grow up so fast, don't they, Kakashi?"  
  
Kakashi didn't respond. Gai refilled his companion's glass, then raised his own. "To our eternal rivalry," he said.  
  
"Cheers."  
  
= = = To Be Continued = = = 


	4. Epilogue

Disclaimers are in the first chapter.

Warning: a little bit of implied shounen-ai here. Why? Why not. Nothing graphic, just a little mockery of Sasuke and Naruto and the way the relate.

This is the last part, folks. Sorry it's late, I completely forgot.

= = = The Slightly Ecchi Adventures of Rock Lee, Epilogue = = =

"Idiot!" Sasuke yelled, his chakra flaring to dangerous levels.

"Asshole!" Naruto shouted, charging at his longtime rival. They clashed, and a burst of chakra whipped the surrounding trees around like a gale. Each tried to make the other submit through pure force of chakra. When neither gave in, they broke apart, panting heavily. Then they charged again.

"Maybe we should stop them," Lee said from a few hundred yards away.

"No, don't worry about them," Sakura said, tugging Lee away from the scene. "They're just flirting."

"Ah." Lee decided to let the matter drop. They were her teammates, after all, and she would know them best.

Speaking of knowing...

He stopped and pulled Sakura to him, kissing her thoroughly. When they parted, she smiled at him, a radiance in her eyes that had only intensified since last night. She stroked his cheek softly. He sighed. Oh, how he knew those hands... He kissed her again, then pulled on her hand to indicate that they should be going. Sakura nodded and fell into step beside him.

"Lee?" Sakura said after a time.

"Yes, Sakura-san?"

"Thank you. For last night, I mean."

Lee beamed. "You mean, you liked it?"

"Mmhm."

Lee closed his eyes and let his head fall back, enjoying the cool breeze and the warm sun. Such a wonderful world, such a wonderful time to be alive!

"But..." she added slyly

He looked at Sakura, suddenly nervous again. "But what?"

"But I'm sure you could do better with some practice." Lee opened his mouth to promise that he'd make love to her a hundred times, no, a thousand times, to attain the highest possible peak of pleasure, but was interrupted when a deep, smug voice rang out in laughter.

Lee's eyes narrowed as Hyuuga Neji, his arch-nemesis, stepped out from behind a tree. "I see your night didn't go as planned," Neji said, indicating Lee's burned brows.

"My night went perfectly well, thank you," Lee said, smirking.

"Neji, don't tell me you dragged me all the way out here at six in the morning so I could watch you pick a fight with Lee," TenTen said, jumping down from the tree Neji had been hiding behind.

"No, TenTen, it's nothing like that," Lee said. "We planned this confrontation ahead of time."

"Oh, great," Sakura said. She met TenTen's gaze and they simultaneously rolled their eyes. "Boys can be so dumb."

"But Sakura-san!" Lee said. "This isn't just about Neji and I! This also about you and TenTen!"

"Uh huh," TenTen said, then turned to Neji. "I'm going home. Call me when the pissing contest is over." She turned to leave, but Neji grabbed her hand before she could.

"The contest can't be decided without you here," he said. "Please, stay."

"Tell me why I should," TenTen answered. Neji stepped up behind her and whispered in her ear. After a moment, she blushed. "OK," she said, then moved to stand beside Sakura.

"So, what is this all about?" Sakura asked, crossing her arms. Before Lee could answer, though, the loud boom of chakra exploding in the distance made them all jump.

"What the hell was that?" Neji asked.

"Mating ritual," Sakura said dryly. "Now, let's try again. What is this all about?"

"OK," Lee said, taking a deep breath. "Sakura-san, TenTen, we'd like to ask you a few questions."

"Like what?" TenTen said, nonplussed. Lee and Neji glanced at each other, then looked back at the girls.

"How would you rate the sex you had last night, on a scale of one to ten?" Neji asked. Sakura and TenTen stared at him.

"Were you satisfied with the experience?" Lee added. "If so, please elaborate to the extent of your ability."

"Also, for your next experience, who would you rather sleep with: me--" Neji indicated himself.

"Or me?" Lee finished, also indicating himself.

"Um, guys," Sakura said, eyeing Lee like he was not all there in the head. He couldn't figure out why. He only wanted her to give honest answers; after all, his manly pride was at stake! "I can't really say who I'd rather sleep with if I've only ever slept with Lee."

"Well, then," Neji said, "we'll just have to fix that, won't we?"

For exactly five seconds, there was utter silence. Then all hell broke loose.

"Neji, you bastard!" TenTen yelled, leaping at her boyfriend to smack him one. "First you drag me out here, when I was _sleeping_, and now you--"

"Neji, you bastard!" Lee shouted, also leaping at Neji. "How dare you suggest that Sakura-san, gentle, pure flower that she is--"

Sakura grabbed his arm and dragged him away before he could inflict crippling damage upon his rival. "Let's go, Lee."

"But Sakura-san, you heard what he said!"

"Yes, I heard perfectly well," she said. "But I don't feel like ruining this beautiful morning watching you and Neji kick each other's asses. Besides, I think TenTen's got him handled."

A crunching sound echoed through the park. Lee winced. "I guess you're right, Sakura-san. I do get too worked up over him sometimes."

Sakura laughed. "I get the same way with Ino. Now, as I was saying, would you like to come over and 'practice' again tonight?"

"But Sakura-san," Lee said confusedly, "I thought your parents were only gone for last night."

"When did I say that?" Sakura said mischievously. "They'll be gone all week. Meaning I'll have the house all to myself. All week. A true ninja would never let such an opportunity go to waste."

Lee smiled dazedly. A whole week with Sakura-san! It truly was a wonderful world!

"Now," she said, releasing his arm and patting his cheek. "I'm going to see if I can find a lamp to replace the one we broke."

"But what about the bed?" Lee asked. Sakura's parents, not being ninjas themselves, had bought her a wooden bedframe wholly unsuited to withstanding ninja vigor. It was now in pieces in Sakura's fireplace.

"Eh, I never liked it anyway," Sakura answered.

"All right," Lee said. "I'll pack, and after you're done we can find Gai-sensei and tell him all about--"

"No, Lee," Sakura said firmly.

"But I'm sure he'd want to--"

"No."

"Not even--"

"No, Lee. No. Just meet me back at my house when you're done. If you promise to not even think about going to Gai-sensei..." she licked her lips. Lee shuddered in pleasurable remembrance. "I'll make it worth your while."

She turned to go, but before she could disappear, Lee turned her head towards him and gave her the deepest, most thorough kiss he could remember giving. Sakura's face was flushed when they parted, and she gave him a small smile before disappearing through the trees towards Konoha's shopping district.

Lee whistled as he approached his house. Hard to believe that only two days ago, he'd thought he'd achieved the pinnacle of happiness! He couldn't comprehend a greater joy than this.

Or... He blushed as he unlocked his front door. Maybe he could. He crept to his room silently so as not to disturb his parents--his parents! He'd forgotten about them. How would he explain where he'd be for the next week, and what he'd be doing?

Well, he'd just say he was on a mission. Which was true, in a sense. He entered his room and deposited his suit jacket on the back of his chair, then crossed the room to his closet to pick out the clothes he would wear for the next week or so. When he opened it, though, something much more threatening than clothing was occupying the space.

"Hello, Lee-kun." Kakashi snapped his book shut and exited the closet, visible eye narrowed menacingly. "I think it's time you and I had a little 'talk.'"

= = = The End = = =


End file.
